Of Red Clouds and Halloween
by dango-lover17
Summary: Maybe the Akatsuki could take a break. Just for a little while. Even they couldn't screw up spying on Konoha during Halloween right? Or so Pein thought. He was in for a treat. After all, what could go wrong with Tobi dressed up as a carrot? Or letting loose Hidan? Or making Kakuzu buy his own costume? Rated T for Hidan's mouth.


**Just a little oneshot I came up with to celebrate Halloween and Naruto. It's ~probably~ a good thing they never actually corresponded in canon.**

 **Also, writing Hidan was a toughie. I don't swear that much in real life, but I wanted to make him in-character.**

 **Disclaimer: As much as I'd like to, I don't Naruto. I can only dream...**

* * *

"Leader, why'd you call us here?" Kisame sulked at the impromptu meeting. "You said we could have some time off since we just sealed the One Tails."

There was a murmur of general agreement around the cavern. Someone sneezed loudly. (Probably Hidan)

Pein repressed a scowl from his podium. He scanned the flickering outline of each member and responded, choosing his words carefully. "It has come to my attention that there is going to be a holiday celebrated soon. It will be a useful place to collect information. Zetsu, would you care to elaborate?"

The plant-man nodded gravely. " **It's a time where civilians dress up and go door to door asking for candy or treats.** _Why, I'm not sure. Humans are tastier._ **Shut up, let me talk. Anyways, people costume themselves into all sorts of things, anything imaginable.** "

"Do you mean that we can get candy?" Tobi was ecstatic. "This sounds like so much fun, Leader-san!"

Konan deadpanned, "Tobi, this is a mission of utmost importance. Please treat it like one."

"Hai, Konan-san!"

Pein sighed, then glanced at the rest of the organization. "You are all expected to provide your own costumes. No cloaks this time."

"What about the cost? I'm not paying for some junk that I'm going to where once."

"Can I bring some props, un?"

"Leader, are we not rather noticeable? Even a civilian would notice a large group of S-ranked criminals."

Pein groaned inwardly. This was already turning into a disaster. "No props, Deidara. Itachi, that's a good point but we'll be in our two man teams and in costume. Figure something out, Kakuzu."

"I'm not going to participate in some f*cking heathen holiday! It goes against my d*mn religion."

"Shut up Hidan." With that eloquent speech, Pein flickered out of existence, leaving behind some very confused Akatsuki members.

* * *

He and Konan opened their eyes from the Amegakure lookout tower. Konan frowned slightly.

"Pein, are you sure about this?" She gave him an uneasy look. "You know what they are like."

Pein shrugged. "We should plan our costumes. I think that I'll go as...a bunny. They're cute aren't they?"

"No. I'm not going to be seen with a bunny."

Pein frowned, genuinely having a difficult time coming up with ideas. "Well, what are you going to do?"

"I'm going as an angel, of course," she said matter-of-factly. "You should know."

"I see...well then, you can handle my costume seeing as you have so much more experience. Treat this as a side mission, Konan."

* * *

The day of the dreaded holiday came quicker than expected. Pein frowned as he paced the length of the meeting room. _(Yes, the Akatsuki had actual meeting rooms. The cavern was just for emergencies and sealings)_ Konan was decorating the room with origami pumpkins and other Halloween themed items.

"They're late." Pein muttered dryly.

Konan looked up from where she was directing the path of a giant paper witch to a corner of the room. "I wouldn't worry. The Akatsuki may be unorthodox at times, but they'll show up."

On cue, the door banged open and Kisame thundered in, Itachi behind him. Both stopped and openly gaped at Pein, yes, even the stoic Uchiha.

"L-Leader? What are you wearing?"

Pein looked at his toad costume disinterestedly. "Konan picked it out. Is it unsuitable?"

"No, Leader. Kisame was merely surprised- that is all." Itachi, ever the smooth talker was the first to recover.

Konan smirked a little as she surveyed Pein's toad getup. It brought back memories of when Nagato, Yahiko, and her when they were still training under Jiraiya-sensei. He had made toad costumes one night for all of them to use as "password" of a sort. It hadn't worked out too well, so they ended up botching the idea and using toad-themed cards instead. But Yahiko had loved his and had worn it often in private.

"Good, good. I see the two of you at least have listened." Pein gave an approving nod.

Kisame was dressed up as a merman, complete with two fish tails and a trident. Itachi had somehow managed to persuade him to leave Samehada at the hideout. Itachi wore a cat costume, and if it wasn't such a bad idea to get on the bad side of the Uchiha, one may have called him adorable.

In the next five minutes, the remaining members of the Akatsuki trekked in, some more enthusiastically than others.

"Konan-san, your costume is lovely! Are the wings real? Can I touch them? Leader-sama, you look striking! Quite a presence, I must say! Itachi-san, you're so kawaii! Could I please, please, pretty please pet you?"

"That's enough Tobi, un." Deidara grumbled, his voice half muffled from the cardboard box he was wearing around his head.

Kisame looked amused. "Are you trying to be a refrigerator box, Deidara?"

* * *

"Shut up, un! It's a robot! You're not any better- is that a fishnet I see?"

Tobi pranced around, unable to keep still in the excitement of his very first Halloween. "Tobi's a carrot! Tobi's a carrot!"

Everyone sweatdropped. Finally, Hidan broke the silence. "That's what you are? Dude, what the h*ll? I f*cking thought you were a...never mind. I thought you were a f*cking carrot…and you are a f*cking carrot..."

Pein sighed, rubbing his forehead. He was going to get a migraine if he had to put up with all these...children any longer. "Is everyone here?"

"No, Kakuzu is late," said Itachi helpfully.

Just then, the door swung open again. The smell hit them before anything else did. Kakuzu tromped in wearing…

"WHAT THE F*CK, YOU SON OF A B*TCH?! I told you not to pick stuff out of the d*mn trash can."

Kakuzu shrugged, ignoring the universal glares from everyone in the room. "It was free."

Tobi swayed a little. "Is...Kakuzu-san...a hobo?"

"It would appear so, although he has taken it a bit too far," grumbled Itachi, holding his nose.

Pein looked faintly nauseated. "Okay, now that we're all here, your assignment tonight is to masquerade as innocent civilians participating in Halloween. There's likely to be a lot of gossip dropped around, and this is the one time where we don't have to worry about getting found out. No killing anyone this time. Do you hear me Hidan?"

The Jashinist waved his hand. "Yeah, yeah. Got it."

Tobi raised his hand. "Ah, Leader-sama? We're allowed to trick-or-treat right?"

"Fine. Just...don't cause too much of a commotion, Tobi."

The now completely orange man jumped up and down excitedly. "Come on Deidara-senpai! We've got to go everywhere!"

The bomber groaned. "Don't loop me in with you. Find Zetsu or something."

Tobi turned to the plant-man, who was covered with a giant white bed sheet. "Zetsu-san, you should come with me and Deidara-senpai!"

"No, Tobi you idiot! I meant for you to go with him and leave me alone, un!"

Pein scowled. "There will be no switching of teams. Zetsu can go with you, but you cannot wander off alone, Deidara. We will be in the enemy's domain and it would be unfortunate if you were ambushed."

Zetsu bobbed his head/plant appendages. (You couldn't really tell through the bed sheet) _"That sounds like a plan_. **Just hurry up and get going**. _Aw, don't spoil this. It actually sounds fun!_ **Shut up**."

Deidara threw up his hands in exasperation, almost knocking off his cardboard-box head. "Then what's the point of dressing up in these ridiculous costumes? My art is so much better, un!"

Konan placed a hand on Pein's shoulder, sensing his killer intent. "Listen to Pein, Deidara."

"Fine, fine, whatever you say lady. By the way, nice costume. You're the only one who can be classified as art right now, un."

Konan frowned. _Was that a pick-up line? Was a nineteen year old teen trying to flirt with her?_ Before she could scold him soundly, Pein came to her rescue.

"All of you, get out. Before I Shinra Tensei you to hell."

Tobi whimpered and the crowd dispersed.

* * *

"I still don't see why I'm stuck with you." Hidan dragged his scythe in the dirt, for once not attracting attention as his shinigami wear was common placed. _Please, they had passed by at least three other mini grim reapers already, and his costume was obviously more authentic!_

Kakuzu grunted, the dumpster smell still radiating off him and giving the two a wide berth. "If we do this right, I can go back to bounty hunting. Leader might even give me a pay raise."

Hidan scowled. "All that talk about money, you're going to hell, you f*cking pagan."

"Shut up, Hidan."

"Eat my d*ck, d*ckhead."

"There's kids staring at you. And a healthy amount of adults."

"Do I care?"

"Do you want to be reported to Leader?"

Hidan pouted childishly. "I don't give a f*ck about what that lousy Leader thinks. As soon as I get a chance, I'm going to use him as part of my ritual. Then Jashin will be pleased with me!"

* * *

Tobi skipped happily to the door and rang the bell. He waited in excited anticipation for it to open.

A grandmotherly woman cracked it open. Tobi beamed.

"Trick-or-treat!"

She surveyed him with a twinkle in her eye. "My my, what do we have here?"

"Tobi is a good carrot!"

She laughed. "I see that." The old woman took out a bowl of candy and offered it Tobi. The masked man practically sparkled. He reached towards it and plucked out a gold coin.

"Deidara-senpai! Look, I got treasure!"

The robot scowled. "You idiot, what did I tell you about leaving me out of this?" Nevertheless, he reached for some candy to fill his (significantly lighter) bag. The old woman pulled the bag away tsking.

"Always the punks who ruin the spirit of Halloween for the rest of us," she muttered, glaring at Deidara's outraged face. She waved to Tobi. "Have a good night!"

"Thank you, nice lady!" The door shut behind her as she retreated back inside, complaining about pesky teenage punks.

Tobi glanced back at his forlorn partner. "Don't worry, Deidara-sempai! I'll share my candy with you!"

"I don't need your junk, un!"

Zetsu was prowling the streets looking for a yummy looking person to snack on later. " _That one looks quite tasty_. **No, too skinny. Too many bones**. _Well, what about that one?_ **Too little and too fat.** _Hm_ …"

* * *

Pein walked with Konan down the street rather slowly. They took their time, admiring the festive decorations.

"Shouldn't we be gathering information?" Konan asked, slightly uneasily. Even if no one was recognizing her as a S-ranked shinobi, she was still getting several appreciative looks from young men passing by.

Pein directed a glare at yet another boy who was walking up. Even in his toad costume, it was fearsome, and the man retreated. "Let the rest of them do something for a change."

Konan shrugged and peeled off a piece of paper from one of her wings. It folded itself into a butterfly and flew off. "Very well then, Pein."

They wandered over to a bridge where several booths were set up with games and lights. It was rather like a festival, with all the people milling around.

Konan tilted her head at one where people were throwing darts at a target to win prizes. "Shall we?"

"Do you want a prize?" At her solemn nod, Pein walked up to the man at the booth. "One try."

The man grinned, a bottle of sake in his hand. "Suuurrrreee, lemmme getcha set up." He lurched forward and grabbed three darts and handed them to Pein, who took them rather gingerly. "For every target you hit, yer getcha yourself one of em' goldfish."

Pein held the fake missile- it was obviously weighted to lower the chance of hitting the target. However, it couldn't fool a shinobi.

He aimed carefully, Konan smirking with amusement by his side. All three darts hit the center of the target at once. The man behind the stall was gaping, his mouth hanging open like so.

"That would be three prizes, if I heard you correctly," said Pein to the vender. The man closed his mouth dumbly and looked from Pein to the target, then back to Pein.

Pein sighed and reached over the counter. The man jolted out of his shock and quickly bagged three goldfish and handed them to the Akatsuki leader.

Pein handed the bag to Konan, who took it with a wry smile. "I feel like a giddy teenage kunoichi that thinks of nothing but boys and clothes."

"Perhaps so. Then would that make me a stammering hormonal boy?"

"Heeeey, you!" A new voice cut through the relative quiet. A tall muscular man dressed up as a vampire sauntered up to Konan. "What's a pretty lady like you doing with a toad?"

He took a swig out of a bottle and leaned closer to Konan. His breath stank of liquor. She pulled away, disgusted. But before she could do anything else, Pein intercepted.

"Shinra Tensei!" The force of the push propelled the drunken man across the bridge where he hit a wall and collasped like a sack of bricks.

Konan stared blankly where the perpetrator lay, crumpled. "Was that necessary?"

"Yes."

"You should not have done that. Now you're attracting attention."

"I don't care."

"I can take care of myself."

"I know."

Konan laughed unexpectedly, a rare sound. "Perhaps, Pein, you're more like Yahiko than either of us thought."

He rubbed his temple where a migraine was forming. "Come on. We haven't finished visiting the booths yet."

* * *

Itachi stood off to the side of the celebrations, watching the partygoers with his sharingan. Even if no one else had a sense of duty, he, Uchiha Itachi, had a reputation to protect. He'd gather information and complete the mission Leader had given.

"Yo, Itachi! Lighten up!" Kisame had his arm slung carelessly around a girl. She was looking at him dreamily, awe in her eyes. Itachi wondered how she would react when she realized she was throwing herself at an S-ranked criminal. The Monster of the Hidden Mist, to be exact.

"Hn."

"There you go again, with that Uchiha 'Hn!' Seriously, Itachi!" Kisame burped and nudged him.

Itachi ignored his partner and concentrated on spreading out his senses to search for sources of intel. There! He could definitely sense something- probably a Konoha shinobi.

"Itachi! Are you even listening to me?" Kisame elbowed him just as he stood up. Itachi spun around to face his partner.

"Be quiet Kisame." He closed his eyes again. No luck, the trail was gone already. "Idiot, you just lost our first trail."

"Whoops." Kisame didn't sound sorry.

Someone slammed into Itachi. "Uchiha! Get that retarded carrot away from me!" It was Deidara, almost sobbing as he collasped at Itachi's feet, for once forgetting his vendetta against the sharingan.

"Deidara-senpai, why're you running away from me? I have lots of candy and you can have some too!" Tobi skipped up happily, holding out a bucket. "Itachi-san! I'm glad you're here! Have some!"

Itachi glanced around and plucked a caramel apple from a random stand. He shoved it into Tobi's mask. "You owe me, Deidara."

Tobi gave a mrft sound. He started yanking the treat out of his face, then paused to lick it. "Yum!" He wandered away, eating the apple.

"Get up Deidara," grinned Kisame. "Or do you want me taking a picture of you bowing at Itachi's feet?"

"No way, un!" Deidara snapped, back to his usual self. "I need to blow something up."

Kisame backed away. "Ano...you heard Leader."

The younger male ignored him and looked around wildly. "Where's some detonating clay?"

"That stall's offering Playdoh as a prize," pointed out Kisame helpfully.

"Good enough," muttered Deidara. He made a beeline for the whack-a-mole booth, Itachi and Kisame following him. (Itachi had given up on gathering information.)

The killing intent leaking out of Deidara was probably the reason the vender let him cut the line and take the bludgeon. When the game started, Deidara imagined Tobi's face on each of the targets. He imagined bashing the trigger-happy idiot's face in.

"Deidara, that's good enough," said Kisame at length. "You probably won all the Playdoh already."

Deidara giggled hysterically. "Who cares about Playdoh, un? Bashing Tobi's head is a lot better!"

Itachi frowned. "I think he is delusional."

"Woah, Deidara-senpai! You're really good at this!" Tobi was back.

Deidara turned around. Tobi was standing behind him, squealing in admiration.

Deidara raised the the hammer, seeing Tobi's face as another one of the targets on the game. he brought it down. Tobi screamed and the missile passed through his body.

Thunk.

The hammer came down on Itachi's head with a resounding bong. The Uchiha crumpled onto the ground.

Kisame jumped up and managed to restrain Deidara. "Oi! Get a hold of yourself!" The bomber blinked as he came to his senses.

"Wha…?"

Kisame stifled a laugh, despite the circumstances. "Is this being possessed by a demon?"

Deidara blinked at the sight of the destroyed stand and terrified crowd. "Oops…?"

Kisame checked Itachi's pulse. "Uh oh...he doesn't look so good."

Tobi was sobbing. "Itachi-san! Please don't die on us! Pleeeeassseee!"

Konan and Pein ran up. The Leader's face was murderous. "Who did it?" Deidara raised his hand sheepishly.

Pein sighed. "And I thought Hidan was the one I should've been worried about." He stalked over to Itachi's body. "Kisame, pick him up. We're leaving."

" _Leader, the mission_ …" Zetsu chose that moment to appear.

"Forget it."

With a wave of Konan's hand, paper enveloped Itachi's limp body. Kisame picked up the package gingerly. The blue haired woman turned around and focused her attention back to Pein.

"Pein, what about Hidan and Kakuzu?"

Pein shrugged. "Go find them and bring them back to headquarters. The rest of us are going now." Konan dipped her head and peeled away into hundreds of sheets of paper. Each one folded itself into a paper butterfly and dispersed.

Tobi threw himself at Zetsu. "Zetsu-san, please say that Itachi-san will make it! I couldn't stand it if..if…"

" _He'll be fine_. **Probably**. _Don't worry Tobi, don't listen to that side_."

* * *

Konan found Hidan lying in a pool of blood, obviously in the middle of a ritual.

"Pein says it's time to go. The rest of them have left already."

"Go away b*tch. Can't you see I'm in the middle of a ritual?"

Konan sent a steely glare at Hidan. With a groan, the immortal man sat up.

"Who did you kill, Hidan?"

"None of your business."

"Pein said explicitly not to kill anyone. Where's Kakuzu?"

"Yeah yeah, like I'd listen to that d*ckhead. Kakuzu's probably counting the money he made off selling candy."

Without a word, Konan cocooned Hidan in paper, effectively shutting him up. She floated the giant bundle in front of her as she walked down the now empty street.

The smell wafting from Kakuzu proved useful in the end. It led them to an abandoned street where he was in an alley with his hobo costume, weighing a sack of coins. Silently, he followed Konan, not protesting because he had a moneybag.

When they were nearly back at the hideout, Konan dropped Hidan. The paper peeled away, the sheets soaked with blood drifting onto the ground.

"Finally! So, tell me. Who screwed up?" Hidan was gleeful to be able to talk, and decided very wisely to avoid being cocooned again.

"Deidara attempted to murder Itachi."

"Hmph. Can't trust anything here but money." This came from Kakuzu.

* * *

The congregated Akatsuki members looked up as the three of them entered. Kakuzu made for the shower, and nobody protested.

Pein rubbed his temple. "Konan, go get the headache medicine." She nodded shortly and left.

Facing his group of rather terrified charges, Pein gave a them a cold look. "Would someone care to explain how _this_ happened?" Here he pointed to Itachi, who was still unconscious on the couch.

Tobi raised his chocolate-covered hand. "Deidara-senpai smacked Itachi-san and it went boom!"

Deidara glared at his partner, who whistled innocently. "He probably put some genjutsu on me to make me think everyone was Tobi, un!"

"So you went batpoop crazy and tried to murder the Tobi you saw." Kisame seemed almost serious. (Almost.)

"That's not important!" Hidan snapped. "You guys interrupted my damn ritual! Now I have to make two sacrifices tomorrow-"

He stopped talking as Pein turned his gaze on him. "And you, Hidan. What did I say?" The orange-haired Leader sighed again. "All of you, get out of my sight. I don't want to see any of you for a good long time."

" _Except for Konan_ ," chirped Zetsu. " **Shut up, are you trying to get us killed**? _Sorry, but-_ **Just shut up.** "

"Shinra Tensei!"

"Dang it Leader! At this rate, Itachi's going to die for real!"

"Tobi is a good boy! Don't hurt Tobi!"

* * *

In the weeks that followed that eventful night, several things happened.

Itachi woke up after a few days with no recollection of what happened. He didn't understand why Deidara was avoiding him like the plague.

Pein didn't leave his quarters for a week and Konan had to bring him his meals. Along with plenty of Advil.

Two of Konan's fish died after a few days. The one that survived she named Yahiko and she stole some of Kakuzu's money to buy it a fishbowl.

"Tobi likes Halloween! Tobi thinks that we should do it again next year! Tobi likes the candy!"

Every voice answered in perfect agreement for once. "No."

* * *

 **Reviews and favorites make me feel slightly better about myself. Please, pretty please? *makes a Tobi carrot-eye face***


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